Putting a Round With Porcelain Dreams

For some time now I have considered taking up the game of golf.

And there is certainly no shortage of golf courses around to allow me to partake in that new hobby. Unfortunately I just have never seemed to find the time in my busy schedule to hit the links and have felt that my dreams of chasing golf glory shall remain just that.

Of course there is also the idea of golf as a “good walk spoiled” in the words of Mark Twain so my I often thought if I really would want to spend hours outside chasing after a little white ball in an under powered golf cart.

Then a beacon of hope arrived in the form of a commercial while I was watching a show about a man who build tree houses for a living.  Yes, boys and girls we have reached the place in society where a man who builds tree houses gets his own show on a network focused on animals.

What you ask could bring such hope to a time crunched golfer wannabe? I am of course talking about the Potty Putter. That’s right I said Potty Putter.

According to one as seen on TV product this sleeve of golf balls belongs right next to the deorderant and toilet paper in bathrooms far and wide. Photo R. Anderson

According to one as seen on TV product this sleeve of golf balls belongs right next to the deodorant and toilet paper in bathrooms far and wide.
Photo R. Anderson

I first heard of the Potty Putter about a decade or so ago but never really believed that it was real. I guess I had too much misguided faith in the human race to think that the nation that put a man on the moon would be the same nation to encourage a man with a moon to play golf. But with the commercial once again hitting the airwaves it appears the joke is on me and society is not as advanced as I would like to think that they are.

Yes as the name suggests the Potty Putter is supposed to be used in the bathroom while one is sitting on the toilet. And the commercial goes on to state that the Potty Putter provided health benefits by encouraging people to take their time on the throne since in their words, “rushing can be unhealthy.”

Call me a killjoy but I always heard that taking too much time sitting on the porcelain easy chair caused hemorrhoids and other painful side effects up to and including feet falling asleep. But then again who am I to question something called the Potty Putter dishing out medical advice.

As I was watching the commercial I kept waiting for some indication that the commercial was fake. Sadly, no indication like that ever arrived. After 30 seconds I realized that it was a real commercial and that the Potty Putter was in fact a real product.

Once I stopped laughing at the sheer absurdity of people playing golf in the bathroom I realized that as crazy as I thought the product was there were probably people out there who would buy it.

I further concluded that if people were buying it than someone was making money off of it. Maybe those marketing majors aren’t so stupid after all.

Playing golf in the bathroom is not something that I want to try. For starters years of Putt Putt golf has already honed my short game. And for another thing, eww.

So while the Potty Putter is not for me I figured I could come up with some other ideas for the growing bathroom athletics demographic to try.

Knowing that I would be spending many long hours of research time perched on the toilet I started on a training regimen high in fiber so that I could authentically recreate the bathroom recreation environment.

The first idea for bathroom recreation activities that came to me was Potty Darts. I have always enjoyed playing darts and I figured that much enjoyment could be derived from tossing darts across the bathroom.

Then I remembered how bad some people’s aim is at darts and that it probably wouldn’t be fun to have holes in the shower stall.

Darts seems like the next logical bathroom based game to take off until one considers that wayward throws could damage shower stalls. Photo R. Anderson

Darts seems like the next logical bathroom based game to take off until one considers that wayward throws could damage shower stalls.
Photo R. Anderson

After the failure of Potty Darts my number two idea was Bathroom Basket Weaving. Turn bathroom time into arts and crafts time with the timeless fun of wicker. After a few minutes of picturing people trying to wrestle with wicker and toilet paper at the same time I realized that this too was an idea that should be flushed.

With two failed bathroom recreational ideas behind me, my thoughts turned to Toilet Time Table Tennis. Then I remembered that Table Tennis is best played as a two-person game and that it probably would not be feasible, or socially acceptable to have two people playing a game of table tennis in the Casa de Commode.

Realizing that despite my best efforts I could not come up with a better idea than the Potty Putter I did what any other man would do when he realized he was defeated, I dialed the 1-800 number and ordered two sets.

Chalk it up to those marketing majors, they really know what people like to do in their bathrooms. Scary isn’t it?

Now if you’ll excuse me, all of this talk of toilets has caused me to have to go do something. Has anyone seen my newspaper?

Copyright 2013 R. Anderson